To blog or not to blog

Making decisions isn't something that I've ever been very good at. This year has seen some (if not THE) of the worst decisions thus far in a life that has seen me limp from catastrophe to catastrophe each varying in levels of destruction.

Without delving into the unpleasant details of my actions I ended up hurting people, who they are isn't as important as why and the why is control. Control of other people is insidious and usurps my rational, conscious thought. I could not believe that I would take such actions after all the work that I've put in to myself but these are what I have to judge myself on. I am the heir of my actions and however much I may feel like I am in control, I am not and it's difficult to accept. Especially when I am not aware of my motivations but believe that I am, I can only say this from a position of looking back as at the time I thought I was doing the best thing for me and now I have to live with the consequences. This is how I can say that my true motives were to control another person and their well being, having someone else's "best" interests at heart. Yeah right that's how I kid myself into acting in a controlling way it's not for me it's for them I know best and the truth is I do not know what is best for anyone sometimes not even myself.

Do I write about this or not? Well I've spoken to a few people about it and seeing as I have made another decision to reduce my use of profanities and to do so it's been suggested that I read, expand my vocabulary and write things, journals, blogs, letters and alike so here is it. Again I'm back and saying that I'll commit to writing here regularly and if you've been here you already know that I probably won't commit to a regular spot here, I have been writing (this isn't my, or your, only outlet) elsewhere and it's not plastered over social networks like many feel the need to do.

This may be one of the few posts that I have started, finished and published in one sitting. Sometimes I don't see the point of "getting it out there" the monologue that is a diary, blog or journal (no I don't know the difference between the first and last) I have been told that it helps unclog ones mind and give one a fresh perspective on things and to some degree I agree with this I still don't have much faith in it's efficacy. This may be due to the fact that I cannot easily measure the results and if I remained committed to writing then I might find it easier to see the benefits, time will tell I guess.

I've not been a travelling cystic for just over a year now and recent events have spurred me into action and plans have been loosely formed and are beginning to be executed as I type. If these plans pan out as expected (and as they don't involve the wills and desires of other people there is little reason why they shouldn't) I shall once again become a traveller around the month of September.

If I remember I will keep you and the internet informed as to how things are progressing and not just when I have a melt down about having to live in a city where I am close enough to see and be around my beloved but her desires conflict with mine. The further away the less I will feel the way I do or so the theory goes. This is a hypothesis that needs testing and I am going to as nothing else seems to be shifting me out of this space, not meditation or prayer, not speaking to other people or being around people with the same problem as me. I probably could concoct a thesis that didn't involve travelling to far flung places but then I'd spend most of my time thinking and not doing.

Take a breath, Take it easy.

A little less than perfect

Alright the title is an out and out lie. A shit load less than perfect but making progress and that is essential. Well it is for me, I'm taking suggestions on board and when I notice some undesirable thoughts clouding my mind or impairing my judgement I'm taking a few minutes and asking "is this for my recovery or against it?" quite disturbing how much is against it.

What a massive pain in the arse some things are but they have to be done

And today I've been doing what I need to do today, that's it. That is exactly what I need to do if I obsess about "fixing" the past (you can't by he way it's been and gone only a memory remains) I am likely to continue harming thoughts without even realising it. In an earlier post I claimed that I'd not "run out of steam while there was breath in my body" well it would appear that whilst I may not have run out of steam the well from which it is sourced doesn't replenish as quickly as I'd like. That old saying "give time, time" creeps in and reminds me that I can't have what I want right now but I've been getting what I need and that's good enough (when I sit back and think about it).

As, what seems to be becoming the norm I started this post probably a week or more ago with an idea, a thread that has been completely obliterated in the time it's taken me to get back to writing this. I will try in the future to start a post and finish it within a couple of days. So comes the end of what some may see as a rather pointless waste of internet space but I will waste as much as I like until they start rationing it.

Is this real?

I've been somewhat ranting and raving about how I'm feeling of late and I've had these kind of revelations in the past but only intellectually. I knew many things, ways of acting, of being, but not feeling.

It's all quite new but again I started this post more than a few days ago and things have obviously been happening. I've got a life going on outside this blog you know. Rhian is back in my life and space (both physical and mental). I thought I'd be strong enough to still focus on my recovery but I haven't, I haven't acted on any of my destructive thoughts or behaviors but I haven't been forward in what I have been doing and I'm going to do just that if I can muster the courage to speak. Fear is keeping me from speaking and isolating me from people who are important to me. There has been a bit of a big surprise and I am unsure if it's positive, negative or neutral, remember give time fucking time. So I think I'll do just that and get back to you all with an update when something happens.

I might upload some of my "artwork" along with my next post or in a post n a half.

Take it easy

Just a day at a time.

I can only live on 24 hours a day. I'm learning how to do that and not project about the future, it's going to happen and it'll be good for me if I do what I need to do today, I may not enjoy all the things I need to do today but I will do them.

Why? Because my future is worth the effort today, not believed that as fully as I do today.

In the photos in my last post of the demo derby car you may have noticed that the door was in fact ripped off. I remember when that happened there was a little crack and I first thought "are they going to stop the race cos my door is falling off" whilst having this thought I drove round the track, quickly remembered that I was in a demolition derby and that the answer to my thought would have been No, no they fucking won't stop the race. As I was making my way back to the carnage another thought popped up and it was as the gap between the car and the door got wider, the thought was "that gap is big enough for me to stick my leg through" rapidly followed by "don't do that you fool" anyway after the race I was congratulated by the other racers on how well I did. The guy who helped us rig the cars up said that I could have won the derby, a few other people in the following week also mentioned this and I'm looking forward to being in another. I'll win my next one.

In other news Rahrah has decided to move back to Alice Springs, a lot of energy and consideration went into deciding if I was strong enough in my recovery to be around her again and I have of course decided that I am. She set off today and will arrive in a few days (yeah Australia is fucking huuuge) and I'm feeling a little anxious about how things will be but so long as I remain focused and do what I need to do today I know that I'll be ok. Things must've changed inside me as I know in the past I would have attempted to manipulate her in to being around me. I would have attempted to arouse feelings of guilt or coaxed, cajoled and just outright lied to her, anything that I believed would bring her back would have been promised (promises I knew I probably couldn't be able to keep for long) and ultimately made my relationship with both myself and her hollow, superficial and fake. I also know that usually (because this thinking had been so "normal") I'd have been obsessing about the future and only existing in today not living in it. Boundaries are bring thought about and how we are going to live together again but not as a couple in a relationship, I do hope that it isn't awkward (only one way to find out I suppose)

Looking forward to climbing the mountain again on Friday, we'll see how long this lasts. A couple of mates who did it last week were like "we're going to do this once a week" so week 2 is upon us its going down (or up as it's climbing) on Friday.

That's about it from me so take it easy*

*that is I no way an order to take it easy merely a suggestion

Running out of steam?

Fuck nah, not as long as there is breath in my body. Although from time to time when I'm just drawing, watching a film or mowing pedestrians down on gta it feels like I'm wasting time in not doing something productive towards my recovery, I've heard it said that you should just give time time and that fucking annoys me something rotten, I can see where I need and want to go but I always jump ahead in my head. It's not A to B to C nah not for me, A to X to fucked more like.

And seeing as quite a few posts have been somewhat "heavy" I thought a brief summary of the past few months might be a welcome interlude from all that (what to call it..... stuff yeah stuffs good) stuff. Now living in the middle of Australia, with two jobs, few friends and a few experiences. One of which was fucking brutal (not in a physically or mentally scarring way) I participated on my 1st demolition derby (pics to be added somewhere in this post). Getting the cars ready was a good experience, I got paid for most of it as work was pretty dead and the boss is pretty laid back. It was exhilarating and if there had been prizes for 1st, 2nd n 3rd I'd have taken the bronze. My relationship with Rahrah broke down (worth more than what I'm going to write about it here) she had the strength to walk away from something that I repeatedly damaged and it seemed like I could not or would not ever stop, we were in daily contact up until almost 3 weeks ago at which point she discovered I had been destructive again and asked I no longer be in contact. This, I feel, was the end of me as I knew me, it was the right decision for both of us. Something had to change and with the action of grabbing recovery by the balls I'm not letting go (unless I get an itch or something) there will always be the risk that I may relapse but I know that by keeping recovering the most important thing that risk is greatly diminished, I'd like to say non existent but unfortunately I cannot. I said nothing too heavy at the start didn't I. Oh well its not set in stone just a few pixels on your screen so get over it if I don't stick to the agenda (fucks sake there is an awful Moloko cover on the radio) there is no bleeding agenda anyway. I do take my time writing these I climbed a mountain after starting this (it only took 3hrs round trip) coming down in the dark was sketchy got a few snaps on me phone (again pics somewhere in this post) My future is bright, there will be stormy times but they will pass, they always have done and the pain that is running, like an undercurrent in the sea but I am holding out my hand and asking for help and getting it. The pics, where they end up in the post are before n after of my demo car, the view from the bottom of Mt. Gillen and a view from pretty much the top (all I got on my phone, which is where I'm blogging from)