To blog or not to blog

Making decisions isn't something that I've ever been very good at. This year has seen some (if not THE) of the worst decisions thus far in a life that has seen me limp from catastrophe to catastrophe each varying in levels of destruction.

Without delving into the unpleasant details of my actions I ended up hurting people, who they are isn't as important as why and the why is control. Control of other people is insidious and usurps my rational, conscious thought. I could not believe that I would take such actions after all the work that I've put in to myself but these are what I have to judge myself on. I am the heir of my actions and however much I may feel like I am in control, I am not and it's difficult to accept. Especially when I am not aware of my motivations but believe that I am, I can only say this from a position of looking back as at the time I thought I was doing the best thing for me and now I have to live with the consequences. This is how I can say that my true motives were to control another person and their well being, having someone else's "best" interests at heart. Yeah right that's how I kid myself into acting in a controlling way it's not for me it's for them I know best and the truth is I do not know what is best for anyone sometimes not even myself.

Do I write about this or not? Well I've spoken to a few people about it and seeing as I have made another decision to reduce my use of profanities and to do so it's been suggested that I read, expand my vocabulary and write things, journals, blogs, letters and alike so here is it. Again I'm back and saying that I'll commit to writing here regularly and if you've been here you already know that I probably won't commit to a regular spot here, I have been writing (this isn't my, or your, only outlet) elsewhere and it's not plastered over social networks like many feel the need to do.

This may be one of the few posts that I have started, finished and published in one sitting. Sometimes I don't see the point of "getting it out there" the monologue that is a diary, blog or journal (no I don't know the difference between the first and last) I have been told that it helps unclog ones mind and give one a fresh perspective on things and to some degree I agree with this I still don't have much faith in it's efficacy. This may be due to the fact that I cannot easily measure the results and if I remained committed to writing then I might find it easier to see the benefits, time will tell I guess.

I've not been a travelling cystic for just over a year now and recent events have spurred me into action and plans have been loosely formed and are beginning to be executed as I type. If these plans pan out as expected (and as they don't involve the wills and desires of other people there is little reason why they shouldn't) I shall once again become a traveller around the month of September.

If I remember I will keep you and the internet informed as to how things are progressing and not just when I have a melt down about having to live in a city where I am close enough to see and be around my beloved but her desires conflict with mine. The further away the less I will feel the way I do or so the theory goes. This is a hypothesis that needs testing and I am going to as nothing else seems to be shifting me out of this space, not meditation or prayer, not speaking to other people or being around people with the same problem as me. I probably could concoct a thesis that didn't involve travelling to far flung places but then I'd spend most of my time thinking and not doing.

Take a breath, Take it easy.

A little less than perfect

Alright the title is an out and out lie. A shit load less than perfect but making progress and that is essential. Well it is for me, I'm taking suggestions on board and when I notice some undesirable thoughts clouding my mind or impairing my judgement I'm taking a few minutes and asking "is this for my recovery or against it?" quite disturbing how much is against it.

What a massive pain in the arse some things are but they have to be done

And today I've been doing what I need to do today, that's it. That is exactly what I need to do if I obsess about "fixing" the past (you can't by he way it's been and gone only a memory remains) I am likely to continue harming thoughts without even realising it. In an earlier post I claimed that I'd not "run out of steam while there was breath in my body" well it would appear that whilst I may not have run out of steam the well from which it is sourced doesn't replenish as quickly as I'd like. That old saying "give time, time" creeps in and reminds me that I can't have what I want right now but I've been getting what I need and that's good enough (when I sit back and think about it).

As, what seems to be becoming the norm I started this post probably a week or more ago with an idea, a thread that has been completely obliterated in the time it's taken me to get back to writing this. I will try in the future to start a post and finish it within a couple of days. So comes the end of what some may see as a rather pointless waste of internet space but I will waste as much as I like until they start rationing it.

Emotional insecurity

Now I'm one who never thought I had no self respect so what a fucking shock to the system it was to find out that much of my anxiety, self pity, anger and depression might just be symptoms of being emotionally insecure.

I'm kinda new to describing emotions and feelings, not because I haven't had them but I've repressed and numbed them for so long and could only use childish descriptions like happy, sad or angry in an attempt to convey what was happening inside. I know I've lived in my head far to long and I'm finally beginning to feel and I must say it's rather emotional darling. I now don't believe that I'll ever think my way out of a problem or situation, I just need to bleeding remember it. Action is the key that unlocks the doors to change (for me it is anyway).

All this going on and hardly any time to write about "normal" shit. Well after a difficult few weeks (sharing a house with a racist, homophobe didn't have me in a comfortable place) two of the housemates have had a drama involving relationships, bed sharing (but no sex), the "game", some sex (in a car with another person) and in the awkward aftermath. The Pilot (the one I don't like more than the girl) has packed up n shipped out (thank fuck for that) because quite honestly I've become a bit of a shut in or recluse (makes one sound mad and I was for quite some time, maybe I still am a little bit but sane enough to know it). Now the dilemma will be sharing a house with not one but two women (all that estrogen floating about has gotta do something) one I think is alright, the other very much in to the dramas of life (many I'm sure she manufacturers or stages in some way) so I'm currently attempting to coax my workmate to move in a 50/50 ratio should balance shit out.

Anyway I started this yesterday and now that's all I've got for you, for now.

Take it easy.

Stark contrast to the Past

Well here I go again.

After having written many many letters, many of which I will probably not ever send I am taking it upon myself to commit some of my thoughts, feelings and musings to the Web in its world wide glory.

I thought of an analogy for my recovery yesterday and want to begin by sharing it.
My recovery is a path (well 2 paths but you get the gist) and up until very recently it had been overgrown and indistinguishable, I've been clearing all the crap away, now I have a dirt path to travel. As I gain more distance down the path it will become gravel (a little more stable), then after a time it'll change to paving stones (firmer again) eventually I hope that the road I travel will be a solid tarmac. As I progress I believe that I will have to continue working but maintaining a "proper" road is easier than building the fucker. It's got to be. I'll find out n let you know.

I have to concentrate my hardest to not lose my way from this path, it's easily done let me tell you especially as it's comparatively new when compared to the unsustainable and undesirable paths I've trodden for many a year.
Right now I can be of little use or support to anyone but when I can be I will want to share that with someone.

I keep having periods of "its all going to be okay" sometimes clouds of fear envelop my mind, body & spirit. All the positive things just drop away to goodness knows where but I can hardly see them let alone feel them. The positive thing is that they seem to keep coming back so from my own roller coaster experience I have faith that however bleak things may look and feel, the "good" things will return even though in the clouded times nothing apart from failure, disconnection and ultimately death (extreme I know but what can I can only relay my own experience as I recall it, however inaccurate to reality it may be don't let me get started on reality and my slightly skewed perception of it) stare right in to my bones.

Anyway to the business of the title of this post and how my actions today are in a stark contrast to my past actions. What a difference 126 days (12 for the other, gotta start somewhere) make not a big enough difference for some things but a positive difference of which I am see-sawing between seeing the positive and negative sides. There are no negatives I just trick myself that there is.

I'm also limited to posting from my phone but it's no bad thing I guess.
Sometimes once I start writing I don't want to stop but I am going to have to cos I'm at work and whilst it is the last day of the year n its pretty quiet I should probably at least look busy.

Take it easy.