To blog or not to blog

Making decisions isn't something that I've ever been very good at. This year has seen some (if not THE) of the worst decisions thus far in a life that has seen me limp from catastrophe to catastrophe each varying in levels of destruction.

Without delving into the unpleasant details of my actions I ended up hurting people, who they are isn't as important as why and the why is control. Control of other people is insidious and usurps my rational, conscious thought. I could not believe that I would take such actions after all the work that I've put in to myself but these are what I have to judge myself on. I am the heir of my actions and however much I may feel like I am in control, I am not and it's difficult to accept. Especially when I am not aware of my motivations but believe that I am, I can only say this from a position of looking back as at the time I thought I was doing the best thing for me and now I have to live with the consequences. This is how I can say that my true motives were to control another person and their well being, having someone else's "best" interests at heart. Yeah right that's how I kid myself into acting in a controlling way it's not for me it's for them I know best and the truth is I do not know what is best for anyone sometimes not even myself.

Do I write about this or not? Well I've spoken to a few people about it and seeing as I have made another decision to reduce my use of profanities and to do so it's been suggested that I read, expand my vocabulary and write things, journals, blogs, letters and alike so here is it. Again I'm back and saying that I'll commit to writing here regularly and if you've been here you already know that I probably won't commit to a regular spot here, I have been writing (this isn't my, or your, only outlet) elsewhere and it's not plastered over social networks like many feel the need to do.

This may be one of the few posts that I have started, finished and published in one sitting. Sometimes I don't see the point of "getting it out there" the monologue that is a diary, blog or journal (no I don't know the difference between the first and last) I have been told that it helps unclog ones mind and give one a fresh perspective on things and to some degree I agree with this I still don't have much faith in it's efficacy. This may be due to the fact that I cannot easily measure the results and if I remained committed to writing then I might find it easier to see the benefits, time will tell I guess.

I've not been a travelling cystic for just over a year now and recent events have spurred me into action and plans have been loosely formed and are beginning to be executed as I type. If these plans pan out as expected (and as they don't involve the wills and desires of other people there is little reason why they shouldn't) I shall once again become a traveller around the month of September.

If I remember I will keep you and the internet informed as to how things are progressing and not just when I have a melt down about having to live in a city where I am close enough to see and be around my beloved but her desires conflict with mine. The further away the less I will feel the way I do or so the theory goes. This is a hypothesis that needs testing and I am going to as nothing else seems to be shifting me out of this space, not meditation or prayer, not speaking to other people or being around people with the same problem as me. I probably could concoct a thesis that didn't involve travelling to far flung places but then I'd spend most of my time thinking and not doing.

Take a breath, Take it easy.

A little less than perfect

Alright the title is an out and out lie. A shit load less than perfect but making progress and that is essential. Well it is for me, I'm taking suggestions on board and when I notice some undesirable thoughts clouding my mind or impairing my judgement I'm taking a few minutes and asking "is this for my recovery or against it?" quite disturbing how much is against it.

What a massive pain in the arse some things are but they have to be done

And today I've been doing what I need to do today, that's it. That is exactly what I need to do if I obsess about "fixing" the past (you can't by he way it's been and gone only a memory remains) I am likely to continue harming thoughts without even realising it. In an earlier post I claimed that I'd not "run out of steam while there was breath in my body" well it would appear that whilst I may not have run out of steam the well from which it is sourced doesn't replenish as quickly as I'd like. That old saying "give time, time" creeps in and reminds me that I can't have what I want right now but I've been getting what I need and that's good enough (when I sit back and think about it).

As, what seems to be becoming the norm I started this post probably a week or more ago with an idea, a thread that has been completely obliterated in the time it's taken me to get back to writing this. I will try in the future to start a post and finish it within a couple of days. So comes the end of what some may see as a rather pointless waste of internet space but I will waste as much as I like until they start rationing it.

Is this real?

I've been somewhat ranting and raving about how I'm feeling of late and I've had these kind of revelations in the past but only intellectually. I knew many things, ways of acting, of being, but not feeling.

It's all quite new but again I started this post more than a few days ago and things have obviously been happening. I've got a life going on outside this blog you know. Rhian is back in my life and space (both physical and mental). I thought I'd be strong enough to still focus on my recovery but I haven't, I haven't acted on any of my destructive thoughts or behaviors but I haven't been forward in what I have been doing and I'm going to do just that if I can muster the courage to speak. Fear is keeping me from speaking and isolating me from people who are important to me. There has been a bit of a big surprise and I am unsure if it's positive, negative or neutral, remember give time fucking time. So I think I'll do just that and get back to you all with an update when something happens.

I might upload some of my "artwork" along with my next post or in a post n a half.

Take it easy

Just a day at a time.

I can only live on 24 hours a day. I'm learning how to do that and not project about the future, it's going to happen and it'll be good for me if I do what I need to do today, I may not enjoy all the things I need to do today but I will do them.

Why? Because my future is worth the effort today, not believed that as fully as I do today.

In the photos in my last post of the demo derby car you may have noticed that the door was in fact ripped off. I remember when that happened there was a little crack and I first thought "are they going to stop the race cos my door is falling off" whilst having this thought I drove round the track, quickly remembered that I was in a demolition derby and that the answer to my thought would have been No, no they fucking won't stop the race. As I was making my way back to the carnage another thought popped up and it was as the gap between the car and the door got wider, the thought was "that gap is big enough for me to stick my leg through" rapidly followed by "don't do that you fool" anyway after the race I was congratulated by the other racers on how well I did. The guy who helped us rig the cars up said that I could have won the derby, a few other people in the following week also mentioned this and I'm looking forward to being in another. I'll win my next one.

In other news Rahrah has decided to move back to Alice Springs, a lot of energy and consideration went into deciding if I was strong enough in my recovery to be around her again and I have of course decided that I am. She set off today and will arrive in a few days (yeah Australia is fucking huuuge) and I'm feeling a little anxious about how things will be but so long as I remain focused and do what I need to do today I know that I'll be ok. Things must've changed inside me as I know in the past I would have attempted to manipulate her in to being around me. I would have attempted to arouse feelings of guilt or coaxed, cajoled and just outright lied to her, anything that I believed would bring her back would have been promised (promises I knew I probably couldn't be able to keep for long) and ultimately made my relationship with both myself and her hollow, superficial and fake. I also know that usually (because this thinking had been so "normal") I'd have been obsessing about the future and only existing in today not living in it. Boundaries are bring thought about and how we are going to live together again but not as a couple in a relationship, I do hope that it isn't awkward (only one way to find out I suppose)

Looking forward to climbing the mountain again on Friday, we'll see how long this lasts. A couple of mates who did it last week were like "we're going to do this once a week" so week 2 is upon us its going down (or up as it's climbing) on Friday.

That's about it from me so take it easy*

*that is I no way an order to take it easy merely a suggestion

Running out of steam?

Fuck nah, not as long as there is breath in my body. Although from time to time when I'm just drawing, watching a film or mowing pedestrians down on gta it feels like I'm wasting time in not doing something productive towards my recovery, I've heard it said that you should just give time time and that fucking annoys me something rotten, I can see where I need and want to go but I always jump ahead in my head. It's not A to B to C nah not for me, A to X to fucked more like.

And seeing as quite a few posts have been somewhat "heavy" I thought a brief summary of the past few months might be a welcome interlude from all that (what to call it..... stuff yeah stuffs good) stuff. Now living in the middle of Australia, with two jobs, few friends and a few experiences. One of which was fucking brutal (not in a physically or mentally scarring way) I participated on my 1st demolition derby (pics to be added somewhere in this post). Getting the cars ready was a good experience, I got paid for most of it as work was pretty dead and the boss is pretty laid back. It was exhilarating and if there had been prizes for 1st, 2nd n 3rd I'd have taken the bronze. My relationship with Rahrah broke down (worth more than what I'm going to write about it here) she had the strength to walk away from something that I repeatedly damaged and it seemed like I could not or would not ever stop, we were in daily contact up until almost 3 weeks ago at which point she discovered I had been destructive again and asked I no longer be in contact. This, I feel, was the end of me as I knew me, it was the right decision for both of us. Something had to change and with the action of grabbing recovery by the balls I'm not letting go (unless I get an itch or something) there will always be the risk that I may relapse but I know that by keeping recovering the most important thing that risk is greatly diminished, I'd like to say non existent but unfortunately I cannot. I said nothing too heavy at the start didn't I. Oh well its not set in stone just a few pixels on your screen so get over it if I don't stick to the agenda (fucks sake there is an awful Moloko cover on the radio) there is no bleeding agenda anyway. I do take my time writing these I climbed a mountain after starting this (it only took 3hrs round trip) coming down in the dark was sketchy got a few snaps on me phone (again pics somewhere in this post) My future is bright, there will be stormy times but they will pass, they always have done and the pain that is running, like an undercurrent in the sea but I am holding out my hand and asking for help and getting it. The pics, where they end up in the post are before n after of my demo car, the view from the bottom of Mt. Gillen and a view from pretty much the top (all I got on my phone, which is where I'm blogging from)

Emotional insecurity

Now I'm one who never thought I had no self respect so what a fucking shock to the system it was to find out that much of my anxiety, self pity, anger and depression might just be symptoms of being emotionally insecure.

I'm kinda new to describing emotions and feelings, not because I haven't had them but I've repressed and numbed them for so long and could only use childish descriptions like happy, sad or angry in an attempt to convey what was happening inside. I know I've lived in my head far to long and I'm finally beginning to feel and I must say it's rather emotional darling. I now don't believe that I'll ever think my way out of a problem or situation, I just need to bleeding remember it. Action is the key that unlocks the doors to change (for me it is anyway).

All this going on and hardly any time to write about "normal" shit. Well after a difficult few weeks (sharing a house with a racist, homophobe didn't have me in a comfortable place) two of the housemates have had a drama involving relationships, bed sharing (but no sex), the "game", some sex (in a car with another person) and in the awkward aftermath. The Pilot (the one I don't like more than the girl) has packed up n shipped out (thank fuck for that) because quite honestly I've become a bit of a shut in or recluse (makes one sound mad and I was for quite some time, maybe I still am a little bit but sane enough to know it). Now the dilemma will be sharing a house with not one but two women (all that estrogen floating about has gotta do something) one I think is alright, the other very much in to the dramas of life (many I'm sure she manufacturers or stages in some way) so I'm currently attempting to coax my workmate to move in a 50/50 ratio should balance shit out.

Anyway I started this yesterday and now that's all I've got for you, for now.

Take it easy.

Refreshingly Honest

Most of the time I've considered myself quite the honest bloke but what I am coming to realise more and more is that I have been a victim of Self Delusion, the worst of all delusions as it has allowed me to have many "false" relationships. How can they be 100% genuine when I'm not being true to even myself. Now I'm not going to "play the victim" I did it all to myself with a little help from........... That's right Me!

I have become quite depressed at this glaringly obvious fact from time to time. Now I have both the chance and I am making the choice to change my actions. Something new, something small so that I'm not overwhelmed and I'm able to keep up consistently. Reading, meditating, writing, drawing and talking with other addicts is helping me a great deal and is also helping build the road of recovery that I deserve because to build something takes a shit load of energy but once it's been built then the maintenance costs should be less giving me more energy to be productive and supportive in other areas. Something that, I feel, is an achievable goal.

Oh yeah the title of this post, Refreshingly Honest is how it feels right now if I keep it up I will just be honest. Don't fall in to the trap though, just have to be vigilant. Keep my eyes on the prize, which is a good recovery from my addictive behaviour and thoughts (yeah that's right I am addicted to patterns of thinking, weird eh?).

The new year started off well, I spent the time of before midnight and quite some time after talking with a loved one, then work (it was double pay so worth it) and the day was spent drawing and reading very calm and peaceful.
After a few weeks of bank holidays after this week it's back to "normal" apart from the reign of Bramwell/terror starting. He's already getting on my tits, coming down to the shed n telling us the best way to do our job. It's our job we do it every day! He's never done this job he's a salesman not a seasoned boxsmith (warehouse worker) like Jordan and I. It's going to be an interesting few weeks until the boss gets back.

If you want to know what's happening with me just Keep Coming Back, your all always welcome.

Sweeney
(of course it's Sweeney its my bleeding blog)

Stark contrast to the Past

Well here I go again.

After having written many many letters, many of which I will probably not ever send I am taking it upon myself to commit some of my thoughts, feelings and musings to the Web in its world wide glory.

I thought of an analogy for my recovery yesterday and want to begin by sharing it.
My recovery is a path (well 2 paths but you get the gist) and up until very recently it had been overgrown and indistinguishable, I've been clearing all the crap away, now I have a dirt path to travel. As I gain more distance down the path it will become gravel (a little more stable), then after a time it'll change to paving stones (firmer again) eventually I hope that the road I travel will be a solid tarmac. As I progress I believe that I will have to continue working but maintaining a "proper" road is easier than building the fucker. It's got to be. I'll find out n let you know.

I have to concentrate my hardest to not lose my way from this path, it's easily done let me tell you especially as it's comparatively new when compared to the unsustainable and undesirable paths I've trodden for many a year.
Right now I can be of little use or support to anyone but when I can be I will want to share that with someone.

I keep having periods of "its all going to be okay" sometimes clouds of fear envelop my mind, body & spirit. All the positive things just drop away to goodness knows where but I can hardly see them let alone feel them. The positive thing is that they seem to keep coming back so from my own roller coaster experience I have faith that however bleak things may look and feel, the "good" things will return even though in the clouded times nothing apart from failure, disconnection and ultimately death (extreme I know but what can I can only relay my own experience as I recall it, however inaccurate to reality it may be don't let me get started on reality and my slightly skewed perception of it) stare right in to my bones.

Anyway to the business of the title of this post and how my actions today are in a stark contrast to my past actions. What a difference 126 days (12 for the other, gotta start somewhere) make not a big enough difference for some things but a positive difference of which I am see-sawing between seeing the positive and negative sides. There are no negatives I just trick myself that there is.

I'm also limited to posting from my phone but it's no bad thing I guess.
Sometimes once I start writing I don't want to stop but I am going to have to cos I'm at work and whilst it is the last day of the year n its pretty quiet I should probably at least look busy.

Take it easy.

My name is Sweeney and...............

Well I'm not going to apologise for not posting for quite some time, many things have happened some of which I will share some I will not.
I did mention in a previous post that I might one day give a little context to my posts by telling a little bit of my life story. Well today I am going to post on a more personal level, not for any of you people who may or may not read these words its just for me, my own piece of mind (, webspace) and my sanity.

Here goes.

Hello my name is Sweeney and I am an addict, what I have been addicted to is not the issue here what is is that I am an addict in recovery I am truly grateful to have the opportunities that this affords me for if I were not recovering I'd be killing myself or may be dead already (kinda inclined to believe the latter there) and as long as I keep on my path I will not find out.
Last year after I came to the conclusion that I do not recall having any respect for myself of any kind I made the decision to work on getting some of what I had blagged I had for so many years, since that time I have picked up on two occasions and acted out many more times (two different things going on for me). I am immensely proud of the fact that I have only picked up twice in over a year now the last time was 17 weeks and 6 days ago. It was at this time I chose to take certain action and this is working well for me. Now as to my other self destructive ways, they have been a little slower to get to the same place in sobriety (it may not have been as long in time but it's good) A lot of work has been a put in on both of these things, continues too and the fruits of my labour will materialise one day.
I'm unsure of many things right now all I am sure of is I feel better after writing and sharing and seeing as I have a limited number of people who I can share with I may as well share with everyone who cares enough to read this.

In the past week or so I've began to feel deep inside myself something that like self respect hasn't been a part of my life for quite some time and that is caring and loving myself. It may sound like a load of airy fairy bollocks but tough shit its what's happening in me not you. I do hope that these new feelings are due to the actions I've been taking and that if I continue to do what I'm doing now the feelings will get deeper and stronger to the point I feel I can share my life with another.

This public record of how I am today may be removed at a later date or added to. It's my blog and I can do what the heck I like (I do hope that I do not feel this was a foolish mistake on my part in a day or two)

Have a prosperous New Year and hope Santa brought you everything you asked for.

This post, that post. Next post please

Well I can only offer my sincerest apologies for there being no painting a the end of my last post, that was the problem of living in the middle of the (wait for it) Nullabor, yeah I thought not you have no idea what the fuck that is and neither did I, until I ended up working there for almost three weeks (by far my shortest tenure in a paid position) apparently it's a rather daunting stretch of desert/pain in my arse/highway that is ever so difficult to cross unless like many a modern traveller you have an automobile then it just becomes a game of when your gonna pay the most for fuel and how much are they gonna screw you over? Turns out it was the place where I worked that was the most expensive for pretty much everything, thank's in part to one of the managers saying if there are two prices re price everything the higher one even if it's wrong what a twat.

Anyway let's get down to business that's why your here after all. Well what started out as a rather rage filled post aimed towards my previous landlord (a fifty something ex con with door issues), my now ex-employers (I am ever so glad to have escaped that awful place, overtly patronising management one of whom I can only assume could be categorised on the autism scale as I not once witnessed him have a conversation with anyone he just talked at people anyway this is becoming a rather long bracketed part of the post so I'll end this here) and I was sure there was another thing that was filling my mind, body and soul with rage but seeing as I've forgotten it can't have been all that important. 

After driving well over a mile 2000km (and whatever that may be in miles*) from the isolated prison known to the world as Border Village WA/SA even google doesn't want you to find it. Some recently arrived inmates told us of a place called Iron Knob so I just had to see that road sign and not only did I see it but spent the night there next on the list is Fanny Bay but that was a rather large detour and we were on a tight schedule. On this rather epic journey we passed though the town where some films were made things like The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert and I was supposed to be able to see the space ship that crashed in Pitch Black but that was nowhere to been seen (probably half inched by some scoundrels, no doubt)

And so after a few days of driving, the car overheating at one point cos I thought that so long as the thingy was in the "normal" range everything was fine turns out that's not the case when your pushing the car to it's limits for most of the day (Betty, that's the car btw won't even make 170km so that's less than 100 miles an hour) so she needed a drink n a cool down it is a good job I decided to stop there anyway. Oh and just in case you were wondering yes I have seen a kangaroo I've seen lots and a few wombats, all the latter were dead and probably 90% of the former too. Yeah there's not much alive round these parts not even the owl that unceremoniously flew in to the car in the night although I did miss a few lizards that were warming themselves on the tarmac and after a short detour we saw a few whales off the coast it's the end of the breeding or calfing season (when they give birth) but some must be lazy fuckers tired new mothers as they were still knocking about, quite a lovely experience really although they didn't "preform" as much as some would like but that's nature for ya (I have another brilliant tragic nature story I'll retell next time, with pictures). So after all that malarkey we arrived in our latest and (so far) greatest home in Australia and that is Alice Springs not too big n spread out, a la Perth and not just the complete arse end middle of nowhere. With sponsorship on the horizon it may be home for some time to come but as soon as I find a job n get a routine I'm sure it will all slot in to place. 

Oh and this week I will definitely contact the local hospital as I apparently need my HSBC1 checking regular like now I'm "on the threshold" (anyone who knows the real blood sugar test name please let me know in the comments section) there is no dedicated CF unit I already checked that so will just have to wing it, not that I'm not used to that quite a bit of my existence up until recently has been winged, wunged? I dunno what the past tense for winging it is so I'll just leave it at that.

Take it easy, I know I fucking do and don't be too hard on yourself I know I fucking am.

* it's about 1346 miles

Self Imposed Exile

Well it's been even longer now since I last got down to some blogging, don't get me wrong I've spent some time at my laptop in the weeks (more like months) but there have been a few things going on that have resulted in my self imposed exile from the UK to be suspended and I spent the lovely month of August back in Salford.

All things that needed to be done have now been done (not dusted but I couldn't stay there much longer, the weather n all that) and here I am back in Australia after a few days travelling last week slept in a few airports, on a few planes you know how it is for the jet set (anyone remember Jimbo) and a drive that has taken us almost across a timezone I'm stuck on Central West Australian time which is half way between Perth and Adelaide a relative no man's land when it comes to time. We are again working in a Roadhouse and this place is a little more formal than the last place but not too bad when other things are considered.

So again I will attempt to blog more regularly this time. There is no mobile coverage out here we've had to resort to buying a dongle for a meagre internet connection but it's better than nothing. As things are going I'm getting to grips with the tablet I treated myself to back in the UK I did have to buy it from an Apple shop (shudder, I looked like an apple fanboy walking around town that day) one of my first "paintings" will be attached to the end of this post, I'll tell you know its no oil painting and it's a landscape of Kuching the capital of Sarawak (I think either that or Sabah) so don't be too scathing with your criticism although I'm not asking for a critique of the crap I produce (I'm still getting used to all the tools and shit anyways)

So it's back to the roadhouse work, I did not think that after all my years in further education I'd end up at a service station over 300 miles from the nearest town, that's right town not a city that would be asking far too fucking much wouldn't it (that by the way might be Adelaide or Perth makes no odds to me at the moment both are over 12 hour drive away) but the car is dying so we need pennies to get her fixed up and epic road trip ready. We broke down here a few times, once in the scorching heat (on as it happens the longest piece of straight road in Australia, that's 90 miles) the LPG pump had snow on it in the heat it was a shocker to open the bonnet to see that anyway after a few (unplanned) stops we switched back to petrol and whilst the ride was bumpy it wasn't as bad as on the gas so let's just keep our fingers crossed that it's a cheap fix and not a total write off.

Any way I should get going as I am once again on the early shift (for this week anyway)

Take it easy 

Oh so very long.... Again, I apologise.

I will be the first to admit that I am not the best at sticking to something once I've started it, I keep plodding on and on and on. By doing this I get better at whatever it is I'm attempting to do.

So we got booted from the Big Liberty Roadhouse (#BLRH on twitter to read up on that farce) and I am not surprised in anyway to announce that Mark (the guy who's non appearance at work due to getting pissed led to the sackings evictions) has been invited back to the BLRH those Glasfurd's like to screw around with youngsters. I got what I wanted and needed from that gaff and that was the cash to buy this

Yes an automobile and it's all ours it's 15 years young, runs on both gas and petrol, the only downside is that it's an automatic (a 4 litre injection vehicle, why did they do this?) I know you don't have to tell me I'm the one who let chickens decide which car to buy but they were both automatic and the other didn't run on gas. If any of you have chickens and are in need of an absolute random decision as to which way to go, what to choose or where to eat then chicken racing is so the way forward 'cause I "cheat" at rock, paper, scissors apparently (I have no idea how I do but there you go, do not ask for tips)

I did mention my hope for employment with the Man from Monton but that hasn't been as fruitful as I naively expected and while job hunting has been easier with a car I also relied on him arranging my forklift ticket, which surprise surprise he hasn't come through on so I have gotten off my arse and done it myself I will be a fully licenced forklift operator as of Thursday and I'll be back in the earning seat quick snap. In preparation for being involved in this area of work I am now the proud owner of a florescent polo shirt and steel toe capped boots. Wearing "proper" shoes/boots is something that I have not been dreading since having to find work I'm so used to minimalist footwear (since Dec and most of last year I've only worn my fivefingers and flip-flops until they broke whilst escaping a research only area in Bako) I've not had them both on at the same time and only put my foot in to see if they fit with "normal" socks on another thing I've got to get used to but thems the breaks ain't they.

Being back in Balga is a bit strange as we have the same landlord but we are now in the house not out back in the "granny" flat hopefully the tardy payment of the guy out the back will result in him getting pushed and we can have that space back, didn't think I'd say that any time soon or later or ever really.

There might be a surge of short incoherent posts as I am going to attempt blogging from my mobile and as I can't strikethrough when I do that they will be edited at a later date (not too late I will not promise but promise to try).

So that's that for now, apart from a possible lead on getting in to mining work a friends cousin is out here in that game so going to meet up with him before he heads out again next week.

Peace 

All things come to an end

It's not just the good things, everything comes to an end good bad and indifferent, just remember that when your having the shittest of tomes. At least I'll have more time to blog now, now I've not been sacked but sadly my employment has been terminated.

What a fucking joke, I've been sacked that's not even sugar coating it I'm not a young, impressionable fool (like some of the staff well ex staff). I was here to earn cash while lining their pockets, immigrants do get paid less over here so exploited might be the right way to describe it. 50 hour weeks without any sort of benefit other than the knowledge that I am good at my job (mind numbing and dreary as it is* was) and I have been told by the owner to stay in hospitality as I'm good at it. So good in fact that I got the sack, bellend.

That's about enough of that for now on to bigger, better and far more challenging ventures. I met a man from Monton the other day, on the other side of the planet and here of all the God awful places, I meet a man from Salford who says he might have work for me, it might be the only time coming from Salford has been a good thing. I'm not sure how my chest will cope with tarmacing but if there is yard work away from the fumes I'll be sorted if not some sort of mask might be in order.

I do have another post about the management or lack thereof round here but I think I needs amending after events of the last few days. So back to the big bad city tomorrow and the new #JobHunt #HomeSearch and #VanHunt has already commenced. Updated cv at the ready and interviews here I come, hopefully not as many as last time and employment finds me again soon as the savings will not last forever (as if they ever do)

This post will be edited as soon as I get to a laptop so check back for the revised and unabridged post in a day or so along with the amended management post yet to be published.

Getting on with getting on

Feels like quite a few weeks seem to have past since I last sat down to write this. It's not that I don't love you all........... honest I do................. really it's just that what with early starts, planning road trips, searching for a van, starting my latest and largest tattoo project (this is what I am excited the most about) I've started drawing again and I don't know why I stop doing something I get so much enjoyment from.

Well I (and most other staff) were right about dumb & dumber the bar staff they are awful one is just new to bar work but the other one (the one who ran a bar (on Facebook) is arrogant, annoying, manipulative and something else but she doesn't really speak to me as there is nothing she can use me for, she has on the other hand got Mark running round doing little jobs for her, it's a bit pathetic and none of my business but I told him I'll throw that dammed coffee cup in the fire if he goes back to the house to get her a drink whilst she's working. She's not done any of us a favour so I have no idea why he's doing her some. Don't get me started on what happened on a skimpy night the other week and another night we had just started playing pool and after putting money is the jukebox she went n turned the fucker off she is also not against potting peoples balls whilst they are playing and taking their drinks off them. I think that she might just get her lips kicked off before her time here is over.

My health is doing well, I've started doing some regular exercise, do nebs, and take most of the medication I'm supposed to. I must admit I go through phases of looking after myself well and then drop off after a few weeks/months never years not yet managed to look after myself well for that long consistently but I do hope that this is the start of a good year. I did start taking most of my meds more after we set off in Dec but since being in Australia and having some kind of routine even when I had no job there was a routine and having my meds was part of that and then since having a job doing my nebs and starting some exercise has been part of that routine and I do feel better for it even though the rough weather we've been having here has made my chest a bit more productive but I noticed when travelling that after heavy rain this happens. I never noticed that back home as it rains quite a lot, that coupled with not actually being the most compliant of patients means that getting away form home has given me the chance to notice this and when I get back home I don't know how I'm going to manage that. Maybe being more compliant will be enough and the environmental factors won't be that much of an issue. Guess we'll only find that out when I do return for good.

I think just one day off a week might be a bit too much but it's not forever, if it was then I would get run down eventually but not having to commute is a bonus so its not like having a real job yet even though it is a shit load of hours.

This weeks photos are a few of the drawings I've done the past week or so, enjoy. I hope to have a few more of out and about next time as I have a trip to the Pinnacles in mind and as soon as my licence arrives I'll be taking a trip down there with Rahrah. A nice afternoon with a picnic and some good weather would be nice as almost every time we plan to do something the clouds descend and we have a good time but the photo opportunities are limited.

Jellyfish

Coral and Seahorse

Cabin Fever (or how I got a job in the sticks and had to live with it)

My first pay cheque made the 99 almost 100 hours worth it. As I sit here with a nebuliser mask on (old school compressor) writing this and thinking how I am going to escape this place for 48 solid hours tomorrow. Tthe only reason for that is that I have a hospital appointment back in Perth and can't be fobbed off with a local "doctor".

My iNeb has decided not to charge any more I can't get the fucking thing working for love nor money so that's when I got the idea to go back to Perth on my almost day off and well wouldn't you know it people seemed to be conspiring against me getting away for a few measly hours to sort this thing out and I am now using a compressor that is easily older than Justin Bieber and takes forever and a day to finish my TOBI but it's better than nowt.

Well this is the view from the social hub of Cataby pub well it's one of them there are 360 degrees of view but I doubt you want to see the toilets, wash room or a dusty carpark.

And now a view of the pub, it'd be a shame to not show you this and it's not a great snap I was quite far away but I'll get a new one and update ASAP soon.........ish.

Work is pretty much all there is to do around here so glad of the pub at the end of the site, I don't dirnk any more but they have pool and darts and I like socialising even if it with bladdered miners when they stop making sense I just come home which is no longer an open plan tin box but a real bricks and mortar building with a living room, bedroom and bathroom it feels almost civilised apart from the fact that it's attached to work so I'm, as one cook called it, "on call" unless I'm out for a walk or down the pub. People seem to do a 3month stint here to get their regional work done. That means you qualify for a second year working holiday visa which is nice to get it out of the way early and not be scrabbling around for anything and everything with our last three months to go. This means that my new 'family' consist of Cookie (she's the cook), Mark (he's a labourer on the farm most days), Dawn (front counter/ part time drama queen) so you'll probably read a bit about them over the next few months it's a pity the current bar maids are leaving as they are a great laugh. There has been a lot of chitter chatter surrounding the new bar staff, they arrived yesterday and I'm not sure how good their English is but they may struggle in a loud, busy bar environment. Apparently one has managed a bar and I'm not being funny but I don't think a bar on Facebook counts as "managing" a bar they were watching everything in awe even asking how to measure a shot of spirits from an optics bottle what the fuck. I mean there's working in a bar and not knowing how to change a barrel but to not know how that works after watching someone do it is dim in the Tim Nice But Dimmest of ways. We shall see how they fare over the next few days of supervision by the two that are already here, real bar maids I might add but they don't seem to think they'll last.

What else?....................... Oh yeah "skimpy" night I forget if I mentioned it's not a glamorous or highly entertaining night down the pub. It is basically a barmaid wearing very little who collects glasses and fucks up the takings cos she doesn't know how much anything costs. But it keeps the miners happy which is all the boss wants to do isn't it. Apparently the one on last week does do a "show" but I was far too knackered after a half five start to go watch any of that crap.

I'm quite sure there was more to report but.... Wait yep yep there was a few big spiders near the pub the other day (the first I've seen out here) I got a few photos then took a few of the surroundings I'll try n get an object near them next time don't think the photos show a good sense of scale.

It's one of two that seem pretty established until Mark (who insists on calling me 'Son' all the time) jumped or fell on to the webs. I wasn't there I just heard about it.

Anyway gonna try n enjoy what I hope is the rest of the day off.

See you after the break

Remember, Remember..... To Write this effing Thing

Yet again I have let my adoring public down. I am so very very sorry to do that to you (anyone who knows me who reads this, no I am NOT being sarcastic)

Well it looked like things were on the up when I got some casual work packing in a bakery. Heavy work but not a long shift and @ AU$20 an hour it was the best paid job I ever had but casual is casual out here and did hear about some work on Monday but after stating what I was looking for (which is full time work) I haven't heard a Dickey Bird the bastard he is well it turns out that it doesn't matter that I didn't find full-time employment, even after doing a trial shift as a "chugger"* well half a shift I really didn't like the restriction of the table I'm a free spirit don't chain me to a desk (well it was a table but it had chairs we could sit at, so kinda like a desk). Anyway where was I?........ That's right RahRah's ad on the gumtree attracted some responses but only one was of any interest (for the blog anyway) so without even having to interview for the positions. That's right positions for we are now both gainfully employed and gainful it will be although when I say we are paying more than we were doing and we are being payed less than we anticipated yes we will manage to gain here.


And here is where I'll tell you how, it's not rocket science really. We are paying more here but the job/accommodation includes food that's correct we don't have to buy any food at all well not meals but snacks/crisps/stuff like that we do but food is a massive expense we don't have here another expense we had budgeted for which will be saved is commuting. We live approximately 0 feet from work, we live in a house attached to the back of work along with another worker but that's no dange. So let the saving begin and this work can count towards our 2nd year visa you know what that means. That's right TWO birds ONE stone, earning, saving and becoming eligible to stay here and earn for another year.

BOOM

BOOM

BOOM


HAHA! The work is not great but what do you expect in the arsehole of nowhere with bugger all apart from this roadhouse and wait for it another one a mile or two down the road. At least this one has a pub attached which every Wednesday has "Skimpy" night and for all of you who don't know what that is you'll have to stay tuned to find out what one is (I want to witness another before I tell just so I'm 100% sure what the deal is)

So all in all things are finally on the up it'll be hard going here for a while, we are peoples "replacements" I don't like being referred to as the replacement. I'm sure it'll wear off and if it doesn't then I'll have to do something outrageous to inspire a new nickname (suggestions on a comment please). No one seems to know what the recent departures did wrong but it all seems a little dodge and as with any and all small workforces there are squabbles, politics, and general bitching and snitching going on. Just keep me head down, have a laugh, do me job n BOOM it'll all be over soon like a wet weekend in skeggy.

So seeing as I have had nothing to occupy my time apart form #JobHunt I still have neglected my self appointed blogger duties but now I have a schedule of sorts I can plan ahead and put a few moments or 7 to write this thing a little more consistently.

You can find out what a "Skimpy" night down the bar on a Wednesday is next time and send in those suggestions and I'll hold a poll of the top ones if I am still known as the replacement in a week or so.

P.S

I hope all you guys in the UK had a good bank hols n all that. My oldest mate got married and I missed it, I did call them but everyone was a little bit pissed by then but still good to hear them all as I am pretty sure I won't hear many of them for a good long while. 

Lazy Blogging (or How I start posts and forget to post them)

I wrote that Mr Valentino post when I was in hospital. I was in for a few more days after that post was originally written but I managed to escape and since then I've had two more interviews. Neither of them have been successful although I did get through the initial stage of a group interview it's just me personally on a one to one basis that lets me down, the second interview was with two interviewers (not as daunting as I imagined) but again did not get the position. 

It really must just be me because in each of those interviews an English person conducted it one was even from Bury the black pudding munching waster so employers are not xenophobic they appear to be far from it with almost every interaction whilst in hospital and in retail places being with an expat I must just be one of the unemployable  unlucky ones which is a bit of a fucker really seeing as I can;t wait to start earning. I know I need to "sell" myself better and show this eagerness outwardly during that most vital of moments the interview! 

Will I ever be "the best man for the job"? I seriously bleeding hope so and soon as previously moaned about this place is kinda on the expensive side. I really want to start enjoying things a little bit more and by that I mean getting out and exploring this place, that for now, I'm calling home. This does need employment as public transport is incredibly expensive (another moan I think) and vehicle ownership is a definite non starter without an income. Even fully employed real adults are running back to mum for some spends I really do hope that isn't me when I'm in my 50's quite an embarrassment (well for me it would be) and I'm only guessing my landlord is in his 50's he might be younger but the sun has ravaged his skin and from the stories he tells he's had a full, illegal, not always fun life.

But seriously I can't let repeated failure to get a job get me down it's all those employers loss not mine, well I haven't lost but gained valuable interview experience and I'm seeing all these as "practice" jobs until I find The One Job, the Job to rule them all.

Luckily my phone is still hanging on in there and I'm able to post and search for jobs from the comfort of my own tin roofed shack.

Keep up with the joys of my mounting failures to gain employment on twitter #JobHunt

Mr. Valentino (or How I stopped hating and learned to love thy neighbour)

Right so after that little outburst the other day I have had a few more "normal" encounters with staff, a laid back self proclaimed "physio-terrorist" who doesn't like airway clearance who took me on a not just a wander but all they way down stairs to the gym far better than treadmilling it for 15 mins I'll tell ya that.

Well time here on what has been cheerfully #CellBlockG54 isn't as gruelling as I initially feared it was going to be. Much of the staff are pleasant enough but quite a few have either no social skills or it's just a terrible bedside manner/patient interaction, no conversation, no interest like I said it may just be the way most wards work but some of them are nice enough and have a little chitchat which makes the day a little more bearable.

In other news I did FINALLY get that car much to my utterly indescribable sense of being done over good n proper. Let's just leave it that we wasted 200 quid to drive less than 6 miles away and have the car blow up on us, the guy didn't actually live at the house we picked the car up from and neglected to pick the phone up again. It's just been left where it died on the highway motorway.

JOB HUNT update, after what I thought was a well executed interview at a famous fried chicken establishment they failed to call to inform me of my success on getting the position. Taking the initiative I called them everyday only to be fobbed off by some lackey that the managers were still "processing applications" this so called manager had intimated to RahRah that there wasn't many applicants anyway four days after we were told we would hear about our success or failure we got not a phone call but an email a bit cheeky I thought, they must've have had a slew of applicants far more suitable for the positions on offer. I've also been rejected by the home of the Big Mac, yes that's right a former crew member has not been welcomed back to the fold McFamily my arse.

Almost forgot the title of this post is the guy who is in the room next door Mr. Valentino lots of old guys keep visiting him and there's lots of loud and sometime aggressive Italian arguments conversations, I do hope no one comes to try and "whack" this old gent as it'd be terribly traumatising if something like that were to happen. I think film has many a thing to answer for when it comes to my thought processes. Anyway he's ill and so am I so can't really hold it against him if people are winding him up in Italian (I'm just guessing there as my understanding of Italian leave much to be desired) why else would there be the raised voices?

Back on to frantic application filling in and signing up to employment agencies, still no word on where my driving licence is my mate who sent it has been incommunicado since he said he'd sent it bit of a worry as that was over two weeks ago and there were some iNeb disks in there. People with iNebs will be aware that these disks are needed to use the device I'm not entirely sure as to why Phillips decided this regulating of doses was a requirement of the device but it is so there ya go.

So still immobile, unemployed and not 100% in the health department but still winding up staff and enjoying it the best I can.

Thought I'd be escaping this place today or tomorrow but some kidney functions have been elevated or some other shit so they want to repeat that and then with living pretty far away (only on public transport I might add) they'd prefer to keep me in but they're gonna test my iv making skills later today  just in case.

So that's me signing off for a little while far more regular updates can be seen on twitter by searching for #CellBlockG54 I'm quite confident that I am the only person using that particular hashtag and it will never be trending. 

Is it just me?

WARNING THIS IS A RANTY TO FUCK POST

Right so I am on #CellBlockG54 ward G54 in Perth and I'm finding things a little difficult. I knew things would be different but I would expect to be able to speak to staff and then them understand me.

This, it appears is far too much to ask for from an English speaking country. They are either acting or I have no idea how these people became nurses (the majority of them NOT all of them) there are several things that have wound me up the past few days of being here and I'm not sure if it is them or just me.

Three incidents leap to mind right now and I shall recount them here and you can decide for yourself if it's them or me.

Incident One.

Set the Scene:- It's around 9pm and the night nurse has come in to get my evening meds, she asks
"Do you need creon?"
"No, I have them when I eat" My reply
"So you want some food?"
"No"
"So your having some creon now then?"
"No I only have creon when I have something to eat"
"Oh so you want some food now?"

Seriously it felt like this went on forever but seeing as I am out of that particular time loop it didn't but it wasn't the last bout of weirdness.

Incident Two.

Setting the Scene:- Again in the evening (it might be a night nurse thing now I think about it) again around evening drug time.

"So your due a Hyper Tonic Saline (HTS) now?" I had just started this treatment that afternoon and told the physio due to it making my throat irritated I would work up to three times a day. So I answered
"No, I've had it today"
"It's written up for three times a day" I then went on to explain what I had agreed with the physio that afternoon.
"So are you having this HTS now or a little later?" It's the creon debacle all over again in a different guise.
"No I'm not I just told you what I have agreed with Jamie" Jamie is the physio in question in case you were wondering.
"Well I'll have to get the doctors to change that"
"Fine but they'll only have to change it back in a few days when I am doing it three times a day" This sentence was met with an odd look that made me think staff aren't used to patients refusing treatment or questioning "What is Written".
"Just write down that I've refused treatment" I said this and she did look ever so surprised like it was a secret code only a few select individuals know about.
"Yes I suppose I will" She smiled and left me too it.

Incident Three:-

The Scene, as if you couldn't guess the theme by now was again late in the evening. This evening I was to resume PEG feeding, I have a button and in the afternoon explained what adaptor I needed to connect the giving set to my button. Apart from the "feed" not being feed but a few bottles of supplements thrown in a bag and set up didn't bother me much. Again I had to explain what I needed and she toddled off came back and informed me that there were none in the entire hospital not a one. So she asked......

"Do you do this at home?"
"Sometimes..."
"Well tomorrow can maybe you go home and get some of them?"
"erm...... no I'm not from here and whilst travelling I haven't been feeding"
"Why don't you carry these things with you?" As she said this I really did think she was joking as she knew I'd been travelling, we'd spoke about it the night before, but as I turned to her the look on her face was deadpan serious.
"Well whilst I've been travelling round South East Asia I haven't really been feeding as I cant carry the pump, the giving sets, the feed, along with all my other medication" Just as seriously as I was getting rather vexed at this type of thing happening more often. So she left me alone for a while then when putting up my i.v's for the night she asked.
"Do you drink? Like drink water?" Deadly fucking serious, I kid you not do I drink water? What the fuck kind of question is that followed by
"Do you eat?" Twenty minutes before she asked me that she'd brought me a banana what did she think I was going to do with that?
"Yeah I drink water" and just held up the as yet uneaten banana shook it and nodded my head toward it knowingly, she didn't say anything else and left the room.

and that my dear friends is just three of the things, like I said to begin with talking to some of the nursing staff is just plain difficult. Don't ask me if I want something if it's actually something you want. This was a pillow to prop my arm on whilst she changed the dressing on my PICC line I'm capable of keeping my arm straight whilst you put a new dressing on, You want my arm on a pillow so just ask that.
As the title of the post suggest's I'm not all together sure if it's just me or it is them. I'll keep an eye on it and mention any other battle of words later on.

Time to rest up, get better and join the workforce.

Peace V 

(I'd do two fingers but a V will just have to do)

Job Hunt, Hospital trips & Mobility

Firstly I must apologise for not appearing to be as committed as I made out in my last post, the course of oral antibiotics hasn't worked according to plan and that coupled with the furious dash to secure employment has kept one rather tired of late but I am pleased to report that after one interview I feel I might be gainfully employed by next week.

The job in question is with a well  known fried chicken eatery, which I'll admit isn't what I was hoping for but "needs must" as the saying goes. I didn't tell them that I do have a planned admission but I didn't want to seem cocky by presuming that I have the job in the interview. So that's the other big thing this week I will be admitted to hospital no CF only ward but to the chest ward.

Wasn't overly bothered about this until the CF nurse John said over the phone that I'd be having a PICC line, now I've always associated these being used when people are really quite poorly indeed, with terrible access and seeing as I have had a port for some good few years now my veins are back to being the envy of any heavy intravenous drug user. My port was removed back in December after it became infected (awful feeling I must say but only for a few hours after it had been used for some treatment) so a PICC line will be just another experience. I must admit I really enjoyed watching having my port out, apart from the pressing of my neck as they were actually pulling the catheter out other than that it was all hunky-dory and did I mention terribly interesting.

So as far as I can tell and from the brief tour John gave us the ward environment is similar to home, own room, bathroom, TV, fridge all necessary (apart from the TV) to minimise cross infection one of my pet hates/issues but that's another story if they have the Wi-Fi then that'll be a god send as using ones phone isn't the best of solutions for surfing this vast cyberspace that seems to all be contained in a device that fits in my pocket, amazing really but not the best.

In other news the car I "won" on that internet auction site and was ever so infuriated when the seller failed to contact me has amazingly  been in contact! I can collect my vehicle on Tuesday. A bit of a piss take and I did get all excited as I read the message waiting for the doc at clinic but I'm reserving excitement until I have the keys and I'm driving away laughing maniacally into the night, it'll probably be afternoon but that doesn't sound as dramatic now does it. Diving away laughing maniacally as the car is worth a pretty penny, well it will be once the few things that are not broken but not working well are fixed. I met a mechanic the other day so I do hope he'll do me a favour n quote cheap for the work but who needs power steering anyway? I am ever so excited to be mobile again, the public transport round here is good-ish but so fucking expensive and I suppose petrol isn't that cheap but still cheaper than home and a weird thing they just whack an extra 10-15 cents on the price just for Easter weekend? seems mad to me but they do it all the time apparently. Just another local/national thing I'll have to get used to.

So I'll sign off with yet another apology that's what I seem to do a heck of a lot and hope you are all doing well and if your not then I trust you are heading in the right direction.