Sunday, December 30, 2012

Stark contrast to the Past

Well here I go again.

After having written many many letters, many of which I will probably not ever send I am taking it upon myself to commit some of my thoughts, feelings and musings to the Web in its world wide glory.

I thought of an analogy for my recovery yesterday and want to begin by sharing it.
My recovery is a path (well 2 paths but you get the gist) and up until very recently it had been overgrown and indistinguishable, I've been clearing all the crap away, now I have a dirt path to travel. As I gain more distance down the path it will become gravel (a little more stable), then after a time it'll change to paving stones (firmer again) eventually I hope that the road I travel will be a solid tarmac. As I progress I believe that I will have to continue working but maintaining a "proper" road is easier than building the fucker. It's got to be. I'll find out n let you know.

I have to concentrate my hardest to not lose my way from this path, it's easily done let me tell you especially as it's comparatively new when compared to the unsustainable and undesirable paths I've trodden for many a year.
Right now I can be of little use or support to anyone but when I can be I will want to share that with someone.

I keep having periods of "its all going to be okay" sometimes clouds of fear envelop my mind, body & spirit. All the positive things just drop away to goodness knows where but I can hardly see them let alone feel them. The positive thing is that they seem to keep coming back so from my own roller coaster experience I have faith that however bleak things may look and feel, the "good" things will return even though in the clouded times nothing apart from failure, disconnection and ultimately death (extreme I know but what can I can only relay my own experience as I recall it, however inaccurate to reality it may be don't let me get started on reality and my slightly skewed perception of it) stare right in to my bones.

Anyway to the business of the title of this post and how my actions today are in a stark contrast to my past actions. What a difference 126 days (12 for the other, gotta start somewhere) make not a big enough difference for some things but a positive difference of which I am see-sawing between seeing the positive and negative sides. There are no negatives I just trick myself that there is.

I'm also limited to posting from my phone but it's no bad thing I guess.
Sometimes once I start writing I don't want to stop but I am going to have to cos I'm at work and whilst it is the last day of the year n its pretty quiet I should probably at least look busy.

Take it easy.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

My name is Sweeney and...............

Well I'm not going to apologise for not posting for quite some time, many things have happened some of which I will share some I will not.
I did mention in a previous post that I might one day give a little context to my posts by telling a little bit of my life story. Well today I am going to post on a more personal level, not for any of you people who may or may not read these words its just for me, my own piece of mind (, webspace) and my sanity.
Here goes.
Hello my name is Sweeney and I am an addict, what I have been addicted to is not the issue here what is is that I am an addict in recovery I am truly grateful to have the opportunities that this affords me for if I were not recovering I'd be killing myself or may be dead already (kinda inclined to believe the latter there) and as long as I keep on my path I will not find out.
Last year after I came to the conclusion that I do not recall having any respect for myself of any kind I made the decision to work on getting some of what I had blagged I had for so many years, since that time I have picked up on two occasions and acted out many more times (two different things going on for me). I am immensely proud of the fact that I have only picked up twice in over a year now the last time was 17 weeks and 6 days ago. It was at this time I chose to take certain action and this is working well for me. Now as to my other self destructive ways, they have been a little slower to get to the same place in sobriety (it may not have been as long in time but it's good) A lot of work has been a put in on both of these things, continues too and the fruits of my labour will materialise one day.
I'm unsure of many things right now all I am sure of is I feel better after writing and sharing and seeing as I have a limited number of people who I can share with I may as well share with everyone who cares enough to read this.
In the past week or so I've began to feel deep inside myself something that like self respect hasn't been a part of my life for quite some time and that is caring and loving myself. It may sound like a load of airy fairy bollocks but tough shit its what's happening in me not you. I do hope that these new feelings are due to the actions I've been taking and that if I continue to do what I'm doing now the feelings will get deeper and stronger to the point I feel I can share my life with another.
This public record of how I am today may be removed at a later date or added to. It's my blog and I can do what the heck I like (I do hope that I do not feel this was a foolish mistake on my part in a day or two)
Have a prosperous New Year and hope Santa brought you everything you asked for.