Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Is this real?

I've been somewhat ranting and raving about how I'm feeling of late and I've had these kind of revelations in the past but only intellectually. I knew many things, ways of acting, of being, but not feeling.

It's all quite new but again I started this post more than a few days ago and things have obviously been happening. I've got a life going on outside this blog you know. Rhian is back in my life and space (both physical and mental). I thought I'd be strong enough to still focus on my recovery but I haven't, I haven't acted on any of my destructive thoughts or behaviors but I haven't been forward in what I have been doing and I'm going to do just that if I can muster the courage to speak. Fear is keeping me from speaking and isolating me from people who are important to me. There has been a bit of a big surprise and I am unsure if it's positive, negative or neutral, remember give time fucking time. So I think I'll do just that and get back to you all with an update when something happens.

I might upload some of my "artwork" along with my next post or in a post n a half.

Take it easy

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Just a day at a time.

I can only live on 24 hours a day. I'm learning how to do that and not project about the future, it's going to happen and it'll be good for me if I do what I need to do today, I may not enjoy all the things I need to do today but I will do them.
Why? Because my future is worth the effort today, not believed that as fully as I do today.
In the photos in my last post of the demo derby car you may have noticed that the door was in fact ripped off. I remember when that happened there was a little crack and I first thought "are they going to stop the race cos my door is falling off" whilst having this thought I drove round the track, quickly remembered that I was in a demolition derby and that the answer to my thought would have been No, no they fucking won't stop the race. As I was making my way back to the carnage another thought popped up and it was as the gap between the car and the door got wider, the thought was "that gap is big enough for me to stick my leg through" rapidly followed by "don't do that you fool" anyway after the race I was congratulated by the other racers on how well I did. The guy who helped us rig the cars up said that I could have won the derby, a few other people in the following week also mentioned this and I'm looking forward to being in another. I'll win my next one.
In other news Rahrah has decided to move back to Alice Springs, a lot of energy and consideration went into deciding if I was strong enough in my recovery to be around her again and I have of course decided that I am. She set off today and will arrive in a few days (yeah Australia is fucking huuuge) and I'm feeling a little anxious about how things will be but so long as I remain focused and do what I need to do today I know that I'll be ok. Things must've changed inside me as I know in the past I would have attempted to manipulate her in to being around me. I would have attempted to arouse feelings of guilt or coaxed, cajoled and just outright lied to her, anything that I believed would bring her back would have been promised (promises I knew I probably couldn't be able to keep for long) and ultimately made my relationship with both myself and her hollow, superficial and fake. I also know that usually (because this thinking had been so "normal") I'd have been obsessing about the future and only existing in today not living in it. Boundaries are bring thought about and how we are going to live together again but not as a couple in a relationship, I do hope that it isn't awkward (only one way to find out I suppose)
Looking forward to climbing the mountain again on Friday, we'll see how long this lasts. A couple of mates who did it last week were like "we're going to do this once a week" so week 2 is upon us its going down (or up as it's climbing) on Friday.
That's about it from me so take it easy*
*that is I no way an order to take it easy merely a suggestion

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Running out of steam?

Fuck nah, not as long as there is breath in my body. Although from time to time when I'm just drawing, watching a film or mowing pedestrians down on gta it feels like I'm wasting time in not doing something productive towards my recovery, I've heard it said that you should just give time time and that fucking annoys me something rotten, I can see where I need and want to go but I always jump ahead in my head. It's not A to B to C nah not for me, A to X to fucked more like.

And seeing as quite a few posts have been somewhat "heavy" I thought a brief summary of the past few months might be a welcome interlude from all that (what to call it..... stuff yeah stuffs good) stuff. Now living in the middle of Australia, with two jobs, few friends and a few experiences. One of which was fucking brutal (not in a physically or mentally scarring way) I participated on my 1st demolition derby (pics to be added somewhere in this post). Getting the cars ready was a good experience, I got paid for most of it as work was pretty dead and the boss is pretty laid back. It was exhilarating and if there had been prizes for 1st, 2nd n 3rd I'd have taken the bronze. My relationship with Rahrah broke down (worth more than what I'm going to write about it here) she had the strength to walk away from something that I repeatedly damaged and it seemed like I could not or would not ever stop, we were in daily contact up until almost 3 weeks ago at which point she discovered I had been destructive again and asked I no longer be in contact. This, I feel, was the end of me as I knew me, it was the right decision for both of us. Something had to change and with the action of grabbing recovery by the balls I'm not letting go (unless I get an itch or something) there will always be the risk that I may relapse but I know that by keeping recovering the most important thing that risk is greatly diminished, I'd like to say non existent but unfortunately I cannot. I said nothing too heavy at the start didn't I. Oh well its not set in stone just a few pixels on your screen so get over it if I don't stick to the agenda (fucks sake there is an awful Moloko cover on the radio) there is no bleeding agenda anyway. I do take my time writing these I climbed a mountain after starting this (it only took 3hrs round trip) coming down in the dark was sketchy got a few snaps on me phone (again pics somewhere in this post) My future is bright, there will be stormy times but they will pass, they always have done and the pain that is running, like an undercurrent in the sea but I am holding out my hand and asking for help and getting it. The pics, where they end up in the post are before n after of my demo car, the view from the bottom of Mt. Gillen and a view from pretty much the top (all I got on my phone, which is where I'm blogging from)

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Emotional insecurity

Now I'm one who never thought I had no self respect so what a fucking shock to the system it was to find out that much of my anxiety, self pity, anger and depression might just be symptoms of being emotionally insecure.

I'm kinda new to describing emotions and feelings, not because I haven't had them but I've repressed and numbed them for so long and could only use childish descriptions like happy, sad or angry in an attempt to convey what was happening inside. I know I've lived in my head far to long and I'm finally beginning to feel and I must say it's rather emotional darling. I now don't believe that I'll ever think my way out of a problem or situation, I just need to bleeding remember it. Action is the key that unlocks the doors to change (for me it is anyway).

All this going on and hardly any time to write about "normal" shit. Well after a difficult few weeks (sharing a house with a racist, homophobe didn't have me in a comfortable place) two of the housemates have had a drama involving relationships, bed sharing (but no sex), the "game", some sex (in a car with another person) and in the awkward aftermath. The Pilot (the one I don't like more than the girl) has packed up n shipped out (thank fuck for that) because quite honestly I've become a bit of a shut in or recluse (makes one sound mad and I was for quite some time, maybe I still am a little bit but sane enough to know it). Now the dilemma will be sharing a house with not one but two women (all that estrogen floating about has gotta do something) one I think is alright, the other very much in to the dramas of life (many I'm sure she manufacturers or stages in some way) so I'm currently attempting to coax my workmate to move in a 50/50 ratio should balance shit out.

Anyway I started this yesterday and now that's all I've got for you, for now.

Take it easy.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Refreshingly Honest

Most of the time I've considered myself quite the honest bloke but what I am coming to realise more and more is that I have been a victim of Self Delusion, the worst of all delusions as it has allowed me to have many "false" relationships. How can they be 100% genuine when I'm not being true to even myself. Now I'm not going to "play the victim" I did it all to myself with a little help from........... That's right Me!

I have become quite depressed at this glaringly obvious fact from time to time. Now I have both the chance and I am making the choice to change my actions. Something new, something small so that I'm not overwhelmed and I'm able to keep up consistently. Reading, meditating, writing, drawing and talking with other addicts is helping me a great deal and is also helping build the road of recovery that I deserve because to build something takes a shit load of energy but once it's been built then the maintenance costs should be less giving me more energy to be productive and supportive in other areas. Something that, I feel, is an achievable goal.

Oh yeah the title of this post, Refreshingly Honest is how it feels right now if I keep it up I will just be honest. Don't fall in to the trap though, just have to be vigilant. Keep my eyes on the prize, which is a good recovery from my addictive behaviour and thoughts (yeah that's right I am addicted to patterns of thinking, weird eh?).

The new year started off well, I spent the time of before midnight and quite some time after talking with a loved one, then work (it was double pay so worth it) and the day was spent drawing and reading very calm and peaceful.
After a few weeks of bank holidays after this week it's back to "normal" apart from the reign of Bramwell/terror starting. He's already getting on my tits, coming down to the shed n telling us the best way to do our job. It's our job we do it every day! He's never done this job he's a salesman not a seasoned boxsmith (warehouse worker) like Jordan and I. It's going to be an interesting few weeks until the boss gets back.

If you want to know what's happening with me just Keep Coming Back, your all always welcome.

(of course it's Sweeney its my bleeding blog)