Without delving into the unpleasant details of my actions I ended up hurting people, who they are isn't as important as why and the why is control. Control of other people is insidious and usurps my rational, conscious thought. I could not believe that I would take such actions after all the work that I've put in to myself but these are what I have to judge myself on. I am the heir of my actions and however much I may feel like I am in control, I am not and it's difficult to accept. Especially when I am not aware of my motivations but believe that I am, I can only say this from a position of looking back as at the time I thought I was doing the best thing for me and now I have to live with the consequences. This is how I can say that my true motives were to control another person and their well being, having someone else's "best" interests at heart. Yeah right that's how I kid myself into acting in a controlling way it's not for me it's for them I know best and the truth is I do not know what is best for anyone sometimes not even myself.
Do I write about this or not? Well I've spoken to a few people about it and seeing as I have made another decision to reduce my use of profanities and to do so it's been suggested that I read, expand my vocabulary and write things, journals, blogs, letters and alike so here is it. Again I'm back and saying that I'll commit to writing here regularly and if you've been here you already know that I probably won't commit to a regular spot here, I have been writing (this isn't my, or your, only outlet) elsewhere and it's not plastered over social networks like many feel the need to do.
This may be one of the few posts that I have started, finished and published in one sitting. Sometimes I don't see the point of "getting it out there" the monologue that is a diary, blog or journal (no I don't know the difference between the first and last) I have been told that it helps unclog ones mind and give one a fresh perspective on things and to some degree I agree with this I still don't have much faith in it's efficacy. This may be due to the fact that I cannot easily measure the results and if I remained committed to writing then I might find it easier to see the benefits, time will tell I guess.
I've not been a travelling cystic for just over a year now and recent events have spurred me into action and plans have been loosely formed and are beginning to be executed as I type. If these plans pan out as expected (and as they don't involve the wills and desires of other people there is little reason why they shouldn't) I shall once again become a traveller around the month of September.
If I remember I will keep you and the internet informed as to how things are progressing and not just when I have a melt down about having to live in a city where I am close enough to see and be around my beloved but her desires conflict with mine. The further away the less I will feel the way I do or so the theory goes. This is a hypothesis that needs testing and I am going to as nothing else seems to be shifting me out of this space, not meditation or prayer, not speaking to other people or being around people with the same problem as me. I probably could concoct a thesis that didn't involve travelling to far flung places but then I'd spend most of my time thinking and not doing.
Take a breath, Take it easy.