Well here I go again.
After having written many many letters, many of which I will probably not ever send I am taking it upon myself to commit some of my thoughts, feelings and musings to the Web in its world wide glory.
I thought of an analogy for my recovery yesterday and want to begin by sharing it.
My recovery is a path (well 2 paths but you get the gist) and up until very recently it had been overgrown and indistinguishable, I've been clearing all the crap away, now I have a dirt path to travel. As I gain more distance down the path it will become gravel (a little more stable), then after a time it'll change to paving stones (firmer again) eventually I hope that the road I travel will be a solid tarmac. As I progress I believe that I will have to continue working but maintaining a "proper" road is easier than building the fucker. It's got to be. I'll find out n let you know.
I have to concentrate my hardest to not lose my way from this path, it's easily done let me tell you especially as it's comparatively new when compared to the unsustainable and undesirable paths I've trodden for many a year.
Right now I can be of little use or support to anyone but when I can be I will want to share that with someone.
I keep having periods of "its all going to be okay" sometimes clouds of fear envelop my mind, body & spirit. All the positive things just drop away to goodness knows where but I can hardly see them let alone feel them. The positive thing is that they seem to keep coming back so from my own roller coaster experience I have faith that however bleak things may look and feel, the "good" things will return even though in the clouded times nothing apart from failure, disconnection and ultimately death (extreme I know but what can I can only relay my own experience as I recall it, however inaccurate to reality it may be don't let me get started on reality and my slightly skewed perception of it) stare right in to my bones.
Anyway to the business of the title of this post and how my actions today are in a stark contrast to my past actions. What a difference 126 days (12 for the other, gotta start somewhere) make not a big enough difference for some things but a positive difference of which I am see-sawing between seeing the positive and negative sides. There are no negatives I just trick myself that there is.
I'm also limited to posting from my phone but it's no bad thing I guess.
Sometimes once I start writing I don't want to stop but I am going to have to cos I'm at work and whilst it is the last day of the year n its pretty quiet I should probably at least look busy.
Take it easy.