Sunday, January 6, 2013

Just a day at a time.

I can only live on 24 hours a day. I'm learning how to do that and not project about the future, it's going to happen and it'll be good for me if I do what I need to do today, I may not enjoy all the things I need to do today but I will do them.
Why? Because my future is worth the effort today, not believed that as fully as I do today.
In the photos in my last post of the demo derby car you may have noticed that the door was in fact ripped off. I remember when that happened there was a little crack and I first thought "are they going to stop the race cos my door is falling off" whilst having this thought I drove round the track, quickly remembered that I was in a demolition derby and that the answer to my thought would have been No, no they fucking won't stop the race. As I was making my way back to the carnage another thought popped up and it was as the gap between the car and the door got wider, the thought was "that gap is big enough for me to stick my leg through" rapidly followed by "don't do that you fool" anyway after the race I was congratulated by the other racers on how well I did. The guy who helped us rig the cars up said that I could have won the derby, a few other people in the following week also mentioned this and I'm looking forward to being in another. I'll win my next one.
In other news Rahrah has decided to move back to Alice Springs, a lot of energy and consideration went into deciding if I was strong enough in my recovery to be around her again and I have of course decided that I am. She set off today and will arrive in a few days (yeah Australia is fucking huuuge) and I'm feeling a little anxious about how things will be but so long as I remain focused and do what I need to do today I know that I'll be ok. Things must've changed inside me as I know in the past I would have attempted to manipulate her in to being around me. I would have attempted to arouse feelings of guilt or coaxed, cajoled and just outright lied to her, anything that I believed would bring her back would have been promised (promises I knew I probably couldn't be able to keep for long) and ultimately made my relationship with both myself and her hollow, superficial and fake. I also know that usually (because this thinking had been so "normal") I'd have been obsessing about the future and only existing in today not living in it. Boundaries are bring thought about and how we are going to live together again but not as a couple in a relationship, I do hope that it isn't awkward (only one way to find out I suppose)
Looking forward to climbing the mountain again on Friday, we'll see how long this lasts. A couple of mates who did it last week were like "we're going to do this once a week" so week 2 is upon us its going down (or up as it's climbing) on Friday.
That's about it from me so take it easy*
*that is I no way an order to take it easy merely a suggestion

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