Fuck nah, not as long as there is breath in my body. Although from time to time when I'm just drawing, watching a film or mowing pedestrians down on gta it feels like I'm wasting time in not doing something productive towards my recovery, I've heard it said that you should just give time time and that fucking annoys me something rotten, I can see where I need and want to go but I always jump ahead in my head. It's not A to B to C nah not for me, A to X to fucked more like.
And seeing as quite a few posts have been somewhat "heavy" I thought a brief summary of the past few months might be a welcome interlude from all that (what to call it..... stuff yeah stuffs good) stuff. Now living in the middle of Australia, with two jobs, few friends and a few experiences. One of which was fucking brutal (not in a physically or mentally scarring way) I participated on my 1st demolition derby (pics to be added somewhere in this post). Getting the cars ready was a good experience, I got paid for most of it as work was pretty dead and the boss is pretty laid back. It was exhilarating and if there had been prizes for 1st, 2nd n 3rd I'd have taken the bronze. My relationship with Rahrah broke down (worth more than what I'm going to write about it here) she had the strength to walk away from something that I repeatedly damaged and it seemed like I could not or would not ever stop, we were in daily contact up until almost 3 weeks ago at which point she discovered I had been destructive again and asked I no longer be in contact. This, I feel, was the end of me as I knew me, it was the right decision for both of us. Something had to change and with the action of grabbing recovery by the balls I'm not letting go (unless I get an itch or something) there will always be the risk that I may relapse but I know that by keeping recovering the most important thing that risk is greatly diminished, I'd like to say non existent but unfortunately I cannot. I said nothing too heavy at the start didn't I. Oh well its not set in stone just a few pixels on your screen so get over it if I don't stick to the agenda (fucks sake there is an awful Moloko cover on the radio) there is no bleeding agenda anyway. I do take my time writing these I climbed a mountain after starting this (it only took 3hrs round trip) coming down in the dark was sketchy got a few snaps on me phone (again pics somewhere in this post) My future is bright, there will be stormy times but they will pass, they always have done and the pain that is running, like an undercurrent in the sea but I am holding out my hand and asking for help and getting it. The pics, where they end up in the post are before n after of my demo car, the view from the bottom of Mt. Gillen and a view from pretty much the top (all I got on my phone, which is where I'm blogging from)